My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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