My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
