"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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