turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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