I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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