sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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