i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize