I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
