I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
