I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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