I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize