LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
