dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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