Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
