I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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