Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
