I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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