I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
