thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
