I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
