Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
