You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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