If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there was a trapeze. enough said
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
