Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
