Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
