don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
tell me about the fingering
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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