STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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