And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
