I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
