If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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