Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
