i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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