You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
