We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
