I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
