im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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