went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
