ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Congratulations! We have a period
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
