Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
