i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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