This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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