Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
