Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
