He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
