So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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