You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
