i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
