One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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