so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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