He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
