Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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