So drunk its hurt
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize