There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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