the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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