I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
